In my observation of the online men’s movement, from my experience as a psychotherapist, through interviewing men for the Mission Manhood Podcast, and as a mother to young men, it seems to me that in some ways, men are set up to fail.
Good men who want to be good are sent forth without structure, emotional intelligence, and initiation. Taught to survive without understanding what they must do to thrive in today’s world, they are left to make uninformed choices from their survival system that won’t take them where they want to go: toward love, meaning, satisfaction, purpose.
Increasingly, in our culture, men can’t say what they think, aren’t allowed to feel, and often, don’t know how to be anymore—what their role is, where they fit. Some men have trouble viewing their masculinity as a vital gift. I’ve had men in session with me apologize for their masculine nature—likely due to anti-masculine messages prevalent in cultural and political ideology.
Although men are rightly encouraged to excel in things that can be measured and observed, and are taught to be tough, disciplined and strong, our neglect of incorporating inner transformation into the outer formation of men and boys leaves them psychologically unarmed in too many real world situations.
It’s disheartening to see the obstacles men are up against but I am hopeful because I see there are great guides working in the men’s movement to create programs for development, provide teaching, and create opportunities for brotherhood. I also see men in my practice learning to be competent leaders of their life so they are prepared to embark on a great adventure.
As scary as the future looks sometimes, I believe some of the old, corrupt systems have to fall so that we can rebuild a better community and way of being. Part of being successful in such a future is equipping healthy men to lead the way. Men who heal are prepared to shepherd the sheep and we desperately need volunteers to step up.
Moving forward in this newsletter, my social media accounts, and on the Mission Manhood Podcast, I plan to focus on offering knowledge, wisdom and guidance for those who want to be a force for change.
Recently I received this request as feedback, “We suffer from a saturation of knowledge—being told we need to be better without being told how. Please include actionable steps and the process involved in making changes.”
I will do my best. Comments and feedback like this are so helpful so please reach out. I’ll end this article—the last in the series of what’s wrong—with some things I focus on in my therapy practice to help men move forward on their journey. Here are 4 things I see as essential for men to understand and implement if they want to thrive:
Do the inner work of healing and managing your inner child and inner critic. Developing self-love—providing structure, order, nurture and care—is the place to start; all the love for others flows from there.
Work to develop your vision of what it would look like to live a meaningful life—not dependent on someone else’s version of success,
Understand that stages of development in masculine maturity are essential, trying and failing is necessary, and emphasizing the journey of growth over being someone’s definition of “high value,” is satisfying.
Learn to manage the mind, emotions, and ego—it is essential for a sense of peace and becoming a reliable leader.
In the next few weeks, I will take each of these, explain what I mean, tell you about the process, and provide actionable steps. Excited to let you know I’m working on a course that should be available soon. It will go more in depth to help you make the changes that can change your life so that you can not just survive, but also thrive.
It is empowering to see that even if it’s true that men are set up to fail by broken systems, you control your future: you are capable, and you can optimize your life by learning, implementing, and practicing new skills.