Why is sexless marriage so prevalent?
There are many reasons why, including the pervasive pestilence of pornography, but some of the reasons are the same ones I’ve written about over the last month in regard to why men feel hopeless and discouraged in general: lack of initiation rites and positive male role models, a failure to advance through stages of mature masculine development, and a loss of surety about how to be as a man in a culture that disapproves of strong masculinity.
I’d like to share an online interaction with you that was a pivotal moment for me in terms of being courageous, stepping up, and speaking out from a woman’s perspective about the problem’s men face in regard to intimacy.
Yesterday I saw a meme that stated, “Be Intolerant of a Sexless Marriage.”
The author went on to say in the caption,
If you have to beg for sex in your marriage, I’d like you to question your definition of a marriage.
The explicit agreement in monogamous marriage is that you will have sex with your spouse and no one else.
If your spouse withholds sex for a prolonged period of time, they are breaking the marriage agreement.
Either fix your marriage, which includes your sex life, or be honest with yourself and your partner that you don’t have a marriage.
I responded :
Pro tip: start with you. Ask yourself, “Are any of my actions, attitudes, habits, and/or behaviors contributing to the lack of intimacy in my marriage?” If so, work on those things.
The author replied, “I see where you’re going here, but sometimes being too tolerant, too accepting, and too passive about an unwilling partner IS the problem.”
To which I responded, “Agree, but if he’s doing everything “right”and still not connecting sexually, I’d work on polarity—leaning into leadership, setting boundaries, etc. I ask my male clients to notice when and how often they feel like a shamed child or angry adolescent. When they can start to override that reaction, with practice, and maintain mature masculine energy consistently, this problem often takes care of itself—in the best possible way.”
The author of the post is a therapist who is selling a product to help men, “a new private coaching group March 1st.” As a therapist, I get frustrated in online spaces with “helpers” who present pain points without nuance (perhaps what he said is technically correct) in order to increase emotion, but put their best solutions behind a pay wall.
This man also presents himself as a Christian. As a Christ follower, I can tell you that the ideal is to emulate Christ: to allow myself to become Christ in words, actions, and deeds. Christ said, “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church, and gave himself for her.”
Finally, as a woman, my physical reaction to this post was to feel a lot of tension in my body, it felt like dread. I had a hunch that a prideful man, operating from his adolescent ego-state would love this post and consider it—written by a Christian professional—a pass to demand what he isn’t getting.
Without the self-reflection that is required to truly change the situation at the root—to earn her respect, and the curiosity required to understand what his woman needs to feel loved, he’s doomed to fail the long game. Love and respect are the key ingredients to consistent, willing, and fulfilling sexual intimacy. Without love and respect, there will be no sex or duty sex which is not much better—or perhaps worse depending on your perspective.
I get a lot of resistance in the online men’s space both blatant and subtle because of my anatomy. I’ve been told that I can’t tell men how to be men simply because I’m a woman. But as a woman, as a therapist, and as a mother to 3 men, I’ve learned a lot over the years that I’m consistently told by men in my private practice is helpful and life-changing.
When it comes to the issue of men relating to women especially, who better than an older, professional woman who dedicates her time and energy to helping people transform, who continually studies and acquires new knowledge, and who and prays unceasingly for wisdom?
My challenge this year is to step into a leadership role despite the outer critics. I was challenged by a colleague to treat them just like I do my inner critic: I’m aware of it but I don’t let it stop me from moving in my gifts and walking toward my vision.
I wasn’t intending to write about sexless marriage today but it makes sense because it is a huge issue for couples. Sex in general is a topic about which there is a lot of misinformation. For the next couple of weeks or so, I’ll expound on this topic and hopefully offer some practical and useful information that you can use to understand how to transform or enhance this aspect of your relationship.
Please send questions and comments!