One saying that I've heard my whole life is, “If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.” Growing up in the south, everybody understood what that meant:
if you can't keep up with the men, you need to stay on the porch with the women and children. It's meant as an insult, but from my perspective, I can think of many reasons a man might need to take a porch reprieve.
Although a man is obviously not a baby, a boy, or an adolescent, I’ve learned from Internal Family Systems Therapy that we hold all of those little parts in us, and that our wounded or unhealed stuff from the past can pop up and sabotage our efforts in our present life.
If that’s the case, he might need to take some time on the metaphorical porch to stop and allow himself to see how his inner child parts still suffer; he’s not quite ready for the challenge that's presented, he needs additional time to grow in love for those parts.
Perhaps he wasn't equipped to care for himself and provide self-leadership. These skills of nurture and discipline, taught and modeled ideally by parents, are often lacking; he needs time to learn.
Sometimes men get injured, wounded or exhausted in the midst of this battle called life. If he’s injured and can't run with the big dogs, he needs time on the porch to recover from his wounds. Whether outer physical wounds or inner emotional wounds like grief, a season of rest and recovery is necessary to heal.
When I started Mission Manhood in June of 2020, I honestly didn't know where it was going but now, more and more, I realize that my role is to be a representation of the Great Mother.
As a mother of three sons and also a practicing psychotherapist who works with men, I can see there is a crisis in masculinity—I wrote about some of the reasons why over the last few weeks here on Substack. Whatever the reasons, and there are many, the result is that men as a whole, are struggling.
Men benefit from feminine wisdom. I don't look at porch time as a punishment or a consequence of weakness, I see it as a necessary part of a vital, whole, and healthy life.
The role of the mother is instrumental in the transformational role of suffering that leads to new life. She understands that new life is preceded by a violent, painful, bloody mess. She knows that joy can and does come in the morning after a long, dark night.
Feminine wisdom is essential for a man’s journey from Son, to Brother, to Father and King. She holds the vision he shares in her heart, keeps him accountable, reminds him who he is, and challenges him to remember why he’s here.
My purpose here is to use the skills and wisdom I have gained from life, learning, and experience to help men “on the porch” for whatever reason, obtain what they need to return to their vision, lead, serve, and yes; run with the big dogs.
In the next few weeks, I’ll write about the stages of development and some of the essentials I teach my clients. I can also help you understand how to do the “porch work” for yourself. Please subscribe and share you thoughts! I’d love to hear from you.